Just as a woman must think carefully about a potential husband, you
must be careful about a potential wife. Careful evaluation in a number
of areas will save you a lifetime of frustration. Right now, you might
think she’s pretty, or playful, or nice to you. It’s not enough. One
pregnancy can alter a figure, responsibilities at home can reveal
laziness, and a disagreement about money can turn her against you. The
church in North America has many men who are hampered in their abilities
and success because they were distracted by a pretty face who now seems
to bring more trouble than bliss.
Just as a girl can’t imagine how much of an impact a husband will
have on her unless an older woman is very frank with her, so you can’t
imagine how that attractive girl you know could impact your life unless
someone is very frank with you. Marriage will impact nearly every area
of your life. Ready?
1. It will impact your spiritual life. If the girl
is not a believer, drop her now. You have no right to yoke yourself with
someone who is not a believer, and a responsibility to obey Scripture’s
clear and good direction in this (2 Cor. 6:14). Dating is for marriage,
not evangelism. Some guys think it’s unkind, or unfair to break up with
a girl just because she’s not a Christian. The reality from God’s
perspective is that it was unkind and unfair to start the wrong
relationship with her in the first place. So are you going to falsely
“be nice”, or are you going to be true to her by being obedient to your
God? Be honest with her that you have failed in walking in God’s ways,
failed in showing that the gospel, new life in communion with Christ, is
foundational to Christian marriage–and as such foundational to a dating
relationship. Ask godly women in the church to befriend her and to
minister God’s Word to her soul. What should you do? Pray. Keep her at
arms length. No dates. Stay away without a hint of any promise of
anything future, until other mature Christians are convinced that she is
genuinely transformed–and not just professing faith for a relationship
with you.
If she is a believer, is she growing, or stagnant? Does she love God
and commune with him on her own? Is she eager to learn from his Word, or
more excited about shopping and friends? Is she by grace faithful to
God and you now, or is she promiscuous with her emotions and body
towards other men? Will she support and encourage your initiative in
leading family worship, or will she hinder it? Is she the type who is
going to be up and getting the kids ready for worship on Sunday morning,
or will you be struggling to get everyone in the car on time? Few of us
men are capable of getting small children fed, dressed, and buckled
into car seats by mid-morning without help, though God can grant grace
in exceptional circumstances. Just because you are the man, just because
you are the leader in the relationship doesn’t mean that you will be
able to pull her along in sanctification. She will either be a drag on
your holiness, or a catalyst, a sweet encouragement for your personal,
spiritual development. That will also be true for any future children.
Think long and hard. Pray. Get counsel from wise men with great marriages.
2. It will impact your service in the church. Is the
girl that you’re thinking of excited about your involvement in the
local church? Is she going to encourage you to serve the congregation
with your gifts, or is she going to complain that you’re not helping her
do laundry instead? Is she going to free you up to build up the body of
Christ in whatever ways you can, or is she going to make it the last
priority? Is she going to be a Priscilla (Acts 18) or a Michal (I Sam.
6:16-20)? If you think that this will be an issue, look elsewhere for a
helpmeet – you will have to answer to God for picking a woman who
prevents you from serving Christ in his church.
This is especially important to think about if you are considering
any sort of formal ministry. Far too many pastors are hindered in their
work because of wives who take advantage of flexible work hours and a
willingness to help–a characteristic of many ministry-minded men. These
wives cripple the church. Their husbands are doing routine laundry
instead of hospital visitation, ordinary child care instead of sermon
preparation, and pampering their wives instead of shepherding souls. I
review a lot of recommendations for students applying to seminaries.
Increasingly, good churches realize that not only the student, but also
his wife needs to be evaluated in her role as wife and mother. Ordinary,
faithful men shine with a steady, loving and wise, supportive wife.
While your wife can’t qualify you for pastoral ministry, she can most
certainly disqualify you.
Tread carefully.
3. It will impact your reputation. Do you know what
your girlfriend says about you to her friends? Her mother? Her facebook
and twitter world? My wife was once visiting with a woman who repeatedly
belittled her husband, not as an evil man, not as a bad father, but as
an inept goof. It was this woman’s habit to talk this way, and it made
people disrespect her husband. While it is your responsibility to behave
in a respectable way, it is your wife’s responsibility to speak of you
in a way that preserves and builds up your reputation, instead of
revealing your shortcomings and faults to the world. The Proverbs 31
woman behaved and spoke in a way that enable her husband to trust her
fully (v. 11). She did him good, not harm, all the days of her life (v.
12), partly with her words.
That does not mean that a wife should be hiding their husband’s
serious patterns of sin from pastors or other people who need to know,
but that they must be very careful to speak respectfully wherever
possible about their husbands. Will the girl you are with build up your
reputation or tear it down? Will she teach the children to respect you,
or will your own family think little of you? Will she broadcast every
failure that you have, or will she, in love, hide them from the world
and help you fight them in private?
What will your wife do for your reputation?
4. It will impact your work life and finances. God
created Eve to be a help suitable for Adam – a helpmeet. She is a
pattern for all other wives. Is your girlfriend excited about the work
you do, or does she not care? Is she able to help you where possible, or
does she not want to be involved? The sort of work a wife/helpmeet does
depends on her husband’s calling, but it should always be there. We
know so many examples: a husband who lays flooring and goes through the
knees of his pants has a wife who loves beautiful floors and keeps him
supplied with new work clothes. A husband who is an accountant and works
long hours every tax season has a wife who keeps dinner hot for him and
has the kids in bed when he gets home. A minister who faces spiritual
opposition in the congregation has a wife who listens and encourages. A
small town doctor has a wife who figures out how to get bodily fluids
out of scrubs. And we also know men whose wives hate their work, and
frustrate their husbands in their callings. It’s a huge burden to the
men, stunting them in their careers and the use of their gifts. Can your
girlfriend help you? Does she want to?
What will she do with the money that you earn through your work? Go
shopping all the time, or wisely budget? Will she ask your advice about
financial decisions, or make big changes without considering you? Will
she be reckless with money, or enable you to live within your means? Is
she greedy, or eager to give sacrificially to the work of the church? Is
she looking for ways to get extra money, or finding ways to bless
others in need with what you have?
Think: this relationship has the potential to ruin you or free you.
5. It will impact your other relationships. What
does your mother think of your girlfriend? Does she think that this
woman will take care of her son? Be a good mother? Does your girlfriend
respect your parents? Is she happy to have them as grandparents for your
children? Will your girlfriend’s parents dominate your marriage? Will
they dictate “advice” or allow you to be the head of your own household?
You do have to leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife,
but you still need to consider what effect they will have on your
marriage, because they will have one, for better or for worse.
What about your male friends and mentors? Will the girl that you have
in mind encourage you to be accountable to older godly men, or will she
not care, and complain about privacy? Will she suggest that you call up
your brother once in a while and see how he’s doing, or will she whine
that you’re not spending time with her? Will she be happy on occasion to
put the kids to bed alone so you can visit with a friend, or will you
not have that opportunity?
Make a wise choice, not a foolish one.
6. It will impact your health. Scripture gives us so
many warnings about nagging, pestering, quick tempered wives (Gen.
30:1-2; Prov. 21:9, 19; 25:24). Men married to women like these are
willing to live on a roof in order to have some mental peace. Will the
girl you are with be careful to not pester and nag, and mentally wear
you down, or will she prevent frustration where she can by expressing
her opinion and being content with your leadership? Is she going to
respect you and tell you so, or will she treat you like one of the kids?
Is she going to encourage you to exercise and prepare decent food for
you to help you maintain your physical health? Or will she complain
about the time and effort that it takes?
Is she going to be available, within reason, sexually, or will she
use her body as a tool of manipulation to get you to do what she wants?
Is she going to begrudgingly approach the marriage bed, or will she
treat it as a good gift that God has given the two of you to enjoy, as
an expression of love and delight?
Heed Scripture’s warnings here.
So how will your girlfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a
sampling of the ways that a wife can bless or curse her husband. The
effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or
difficult. Of course, there is no perfect woman. But there are amazing
ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who
will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great – I was married
late and experienced some blessed years of bachelorhood. Marriage to the
wrong person is a nightmare. I know men whose careers, families,
personal development and even congregations have been destroyed by their
wives. It’s heartbreaking and messy, especially for the husband. Don’t
be so easy going about your choice of wife that your marriage is a
grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help.
But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in a bad situation when it
is 100% avoidable. Don’t marry someone who can’t follow your
leadership. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love Christ as you
seek to love her as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows
and demonstrates the love of Christ.
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