Belakangan jadi males update blog gegara internet lemot *grrhhhh nah, mumpung lagi ada waktu senggang, saya sempetin mengganti template blog biar ngga membosankan plus blogwalking kesana kemari. Ditengah tengah kejaran proposal skripsi dan mid-test anak-anak, masi sempet-sempetnya nyantai di depan laptop *hoho* Kalo kemaren lagi demen buat flower crown, sekarang pengin cobain buat armcandy sendiri. Tapi lagi-lagi bahan baku menjadi masalah bagi part-time crafter kayak saya == Di medan susah loh cari toko yang menjual peralatan craft. Kalopun ada, pasti ngga lengkap. Kapan yah di medan buka craft store? *ngeh*
Repost : Guys, It Matters Whom You Marry, Too
Just as a woman must think carefully about a potential husband, you
must be careful about a potential wife. Careful evaluation in a number
of areas will save you a lifetime of frustration. Right now, you might
think she’s pretty, or playful, or nice to you. It’s not enough. One
pregnancy can alter a figure, responsibilities at home can reveal
laziness, and a disagreement about money can turn her against you. The
church in North America has many men who are hampered in their abilities
and success because they were distracted by a pretty face who now seems
to bring more trouble than bliss.
Just as a girl can’t imagine how much of an impact a husband will
have on her unless an older woman is very frank with her, so you can’t
imagine how that attractive girl you know could impact your life unless
someone is very frank with you. Marriage will impact nearly every area
of your life. Ready?
1. It will impact your spiritual life. If the girl
is not a believer, drop her now. You have no right to yoke yourself with
someone who is not a believer, and a responsibility to obey Scripture’s
clear and good direction in this (2 Cor. 6:14). Dating is for marriage,
not evangelism. Some guys think it’s unkind, or unfair to break up with
a girl just because she’s not a Christian. The reality from God’s
perspective is that it was unkind and unfair to start the wrong
relationship with her in the first place. So are you going to falsely
“be nice”, or are you going to be true to her by being obedient to your
God? Be honest with her that you have failed in walking in God’s ways,
failed in showing that the gospel, new life in communion with Christ, is
foundational to Christian marriage–and as such foundational to a dating
relationship. Ask godly women in the church to befriend her and to
minister God’s Word to her soul. What should you do? Pray. Keep her at
arms length. No dates. Stay away without a hint of any promise of
anything future, until other mature Christians are convinced that she is
genuinely transformed–and not just professing faith for a relationship
with you.
If she is a believer, is she growing, or stagnant? Does she love God
and commune with him on her own? Is she eager to learn from his Word, or
more excited about shopping and friends? Is she by grace faithful to
God and you now, or is she promiscuous with her emotions and body
towards other men? Will she support and encourage your initiative in
leading family worship, or will she hinder it? Is she the type who is
going to be up and getting the kids ready for worship on Sunday morning,
or will you be struggling to get everyone in the car on time? Few of us
men are capable of getting small children fed, dressed, and buckled
into car seats by mid-morning without help, though God can grant grace
in exceptional circumstances. Just because you are the man, just because
you are the leader in the relationship doesn’t mean that you will be
able to pull her along in sanctification. She will either be a drag on
your holiness, or a catalyst, a sweet encouragement for your personal,
spiritual development. That will also be true for any future children.
Think long and hard. Pray. Get counsel from wise men with great marriages.
2. It will impact your service in the church. Is the
girl that you’re thinking of excited about your involvement in the
local church? Is she going to encourage you to serve the congregation
with your gifts, or is she going to complain that you’re not helping her
do laundry instead? Is she going to free you up to build up the body of
Christ in whatever ways you can, or is she going to make it the last
priority? Is she going to be a Priscilla (Acts 18) or a Michal (I Sam.
6:16-20)? If you think that this will be an issue, look elsewhere for a
helpmeet – you will have to answer to God for picking a woman who
prevents you from serving Christ in his church.
This is especially important to think about if you are considering
any sort of formal ministry. Far too many pastors are hindered in their
work because of wives who take advantage of flexible work hours and a
willingness to help–a characteristic of many ministry-minded men. These
wives cripple the church. Their husbands are doing routine laundry
instead of hospital visitation, ordinary child care instead of sermon
preparation, and pampering their wives instead of shepherding souls. I
review a lot of recommendations for students applying to seminaries.
Increasingly, good churches realize that not only the student, but also
his wife needs to be evaluated in her role as wife and mother. Ordinary,
faithful men shine with a steady, loving and wise, supportive wife.
While your wife can’t qualify you for pastoral ministry, she can most
certainly disqualify you.
Tread carefully.
3. It will impact your reputation. Do you know what
your girlfriend says about you to her friends? Her mother? Her facebook
and twitter world? My wife was once visiting with a woman who repeatedly
belittled her husband, not as an evil man, not as a bad father, but as
an inept goof. It was this woman’s habit to talk this way, and it made
people disrespect her husband. While it is your responsibility to behave
in a respectable way, it is your wife’s responsibility to speak of you
in a way that preserves and builds up your reputation, instead of
revealing your shortcomings and faults to the world. The Proverbs 31
woman behaved and spoke in a way that enable her husband to trust her
fully (v. 11). She did him good, not harm, all the days of her life (v.
12), partly with her words.
That does not mean that a wife should be hiding their husband’s
serious patterns of sin from pastors or other people who need to know,
but that they must be very careful to speak respectfully wherever
possible about their husbands. Will the girl you are with build up your
reputation or tear it down? Will she teach the children to respect you,
or will your own family think little of you? Will she broadcast every
failure that you have, or will she, in love, hide them from the world
and help you fight them in private?
What will your wife do for your reputation?
4. It will impact your work life and finances. God
created Eve to be a help suitable for Adam – a helpmeet. She is a
pattern for all other wives. Is your girlfriend excited about the work
you do, or does she not care? Is she able to help you where possible, or
does she not want to be involved? The sort of work a wife/helpmeet does
depends on her husband’s calling, but it should always be there. We
know so many examples: a husband who lays flooring and goes through the
knees of his pants has a wife who loves beautiful floors and keeps him
supplied with new work clothes. A husband who is an accountant and works
long hours every tax season has a wife who keeps dinner hot for him and
has the kids in bed when he gets home. A minister who faces spiritual
opposition in the congregation has a wife who listens and encourages. A
small town doctor has a wife who figures out how to get bodily fluids
out of scrubs. And we also know men whose wives hate their work, and
frustrate their husbands in their callings. It’s a huge burden to the
men, stunting them in their careers and the use of their gifts. Can your
girlfriend help you? Does she want to?
What will she do with the money that you earn through your work? Go
shopping all the time, or wisely budget? Will she ask your advice about
financial decisions, or make big changes without considering you? Will
she be reckless with money, or enable you to live within your means? Is
she greedy, or eager to give sacrificially to the work of the church? Is
she looking for ways to get extra money, or finding ways to bless
others in need with what you have?
Think: this relationship has the potential to ruin you or free you.
5. It will impact your other relationships. What
does your mother think of your girlfriend? Does she think that this
woman will take care of her son? Be a good mother? Does your girlfriend
respect your parents? Is she happy to have them as grandparents for your
children? Will your girlfriend’s parents dominate your marriage? Will
they dictate “advice” or allow you to be the head of your own household?
You do have to leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife,
but you still need to consider what effect they will have on your
marriage, because they will have one, for better or for worse.
What about your male friends and mentors? Will the girl that you have
in mind encourage you to be accountable to older godly men, or will she
not care, and complain about privacy? Will she suggest that you call up
your brother once in a while and see how he’s doing, or will she whine
that you’re not spending time with her? Will she be happy on occasion to
put the kids to bed alone so you can visit with a friend, or will you
not have that opportunity?
Make a wise choice, not a foolish one.
6. It will impact your health. Scripture gives us so
many warnings about nagging, pestering, quick tempered wives (Gen.
30:1-2; Prov. 21:9, 19; 25:24). Men married to women like these are
willing to live on a roof in order to have some mental peace. Will the
girl you are with be careful to not pester and nag, and mentally wear
you down, or will she prevent frustration where she can by expressing
her opinion and being content with your leadership? Is she going to
respect you and tell you so, or will she treat you like one of the kids?
Is she going to encourage you to exercise and prepare decent food for
you to help you maintain your physical health? Or will she complain
about the time and effort that it takes?
Is she going to be available, within reason, sexually, or will she
use her body as a tool of manipulation to get you to do what she wants?
Is she going to begrudgingly approach the marriage bed, or will she
treat it as a good gift that God has given the two of you to enjoy, as
an expression of love and delight?
Heed Scripture’s warnings here.
So how will your girlfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a
sampling of the ways that a wife can bless or curse her husband. The
effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or
difficult. Of course, there is no perfect woman. But there are amazing
ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who
will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great – I was married
late and experienced some blessed years of bachelorhood. Marriage to the
wrong person is a nightmare. I know men whose careers, families,
personal development and even congregations have been destroyed by their
wives. It’s heartbreaking and messy, especially for the husband. Don’t
be so easy going about your choice of wife that your marriage is a
grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help.
But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in a bad situation when it
is 100% avoidable. Don’t marry someone who can’t follow your
leadership. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love Christ as you
seek to love her as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows
and demonstrates the love of Christ.
Repost : It Matters Whom You Marry
My
husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids
sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a
computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with
slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him.
But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal,
clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl
for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and
white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to
change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues
and especially if it leads to marriage.
So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters.
You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going
to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change.
It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to
minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t
then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and
cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior
issues.
Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand
how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there
is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life
so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact
every aspect of living.
1. It will impact you spiritually. If the guy is not
a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a
redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change.
Christ has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away
that blood bought heart to someone who doesn’t know and love your Lord.
It will cripple your spiritual development, open up a host of
temptations, stifle your prayer life, make regular church going
difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict if you have children.
If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in
prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you
be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do
other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your
soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will
he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this,
or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the
kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out
what is happening next and helping the family keep up? Many women have
married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn’t a big issue,
or that the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.
The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.
2. It will impact you emotionally. Is the guy you’re
thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek
to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re
having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with
something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be
annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is
he going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is,
more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run
rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed
her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was
very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the
husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it.
We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional
needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is
selfish and should be left alone.
Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health.
3. It will impact you physically. Is the guy you’re
with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter,
clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that
there was no employment opportunity. My husband assured me that he would
work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to
provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training. That’s
the kind of attitude you want. A man who doesn’t provide for his
household is worse than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help
ease the financial burden, but unless your husband is disabled or there
is another unusual circumstance, you shouldn’t have to carry it
yourself.
Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives
you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s
almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show
that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for
and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are women in churches
across America who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of
friendly) punches or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering
up the bruises from their husbands.
Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to
honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or
will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another
woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or
practices are already there, watch out. I recently saw a newly married
couple and the husband was flirting openly with another woman. Unless
something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.
Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving
co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she
had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough.
In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the
woman he said he loved.
Watch out. Your body needs care and protection.
4. It will impact you mentally. Is the man that
you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you
deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual
development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions
and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts?
Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened
that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is
he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are
experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a woman who
could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but
postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband
overlooked it, continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up
in a mental institution.
You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think. Consider it seriously.
5. It will impact you relationally. How’s your
relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your
boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your
mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry?
Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come
first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and
mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of
the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now
will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either
strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your
parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could
be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.
It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at
reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage
healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal,
biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be
thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that?
Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you.
So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a
sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The
effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or
difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great
ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who
will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the
wrong person is a nightmare. I’ve been in a church parking lot where the
pastor had to call the police to protect a wife from a husband who was
trying to stop her from worshiping and being with her family. It’s ugly.
Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If
you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if
you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry
someone whose leadership you can’t follow. Don’t marry someone who is
not seeking to love you as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who
knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.
Update: this blog post has been expanded into a book, Your Future Other Half: It Matters Whom You Marry. Released March, 2014 by Christian Focus Publications, you can purchase it there, as well as on Amazon, and at Reformation Heritage Books for a very good price.